Why Everything I Manifested Kept Disappearing

I had been trying to manifest many things, including a person, for many years. I would get success here and there but they were short lived. For example, I would get a big influx of money that would quickly drain, or my person would say things that pointed to wanting commitment, but then it was like he got amnesia and I was the crazy clingy situationship.

I tried the twin flame thing, the new age manifesting thing, and kept searching for a solution. One day I found Paulie’s work and it was almost like it was future me telling me my story, but with a happy ending.

On our first meeting I wanted to know how long all of this would take. She was very honest with me and told me we had to begin by stabilizing the body and creating stability in my life.

With her help I started to do things I had put off before, like getting my health checked and taking care of my physical and emotional wellbeing. It was hard to let go of the idea of a quick fix, but I had tried all of those before. I had never tried just doing things in order.

Once I understood the reactions that my brain had when in panic mode, I could tell the difference between me and the trauma thoughts.

This was the beginning of a deeper change. At this stage I was able to get a better job and enjoy my person a bit more because I had stopped making this whole thing about him. I knew I needed to change myself and be the one that can receive love.

At times I would get lost but Paulie would remind me of just the next goal so I wouldn’t become overwhelmed by the inner journey ahead.

One thing I’d like people to know is that when you change your inner world the outer world changes quite quickly. It felt overwhelming because I didn’t yet understand grace, and I thought I had to carry everything myself.

As I actually started to do the exercises, the resistance and fear that things would take a long time lifted and I found myself changing fast and with no effort. Unconditional love and surrender were the keys to being able to have the things I wanted.

I want to talk about those changes in detail in case someone else is where I was. I was suffering from CPTSD, experiencing constant survival mode. I wouldn’t have admitted it at the time, but I thought very little of myself. I was playing small in all areas of my life.

The only thing keeping me from being depressed was the hope that one day my specific person would love me if I fixed myself enough or manifested hard enough.

I had to take a good look at myself and who I was being and what habits, mental and external, had led me to be living a life I wasn’t excited about. The change came about with a mix of self regulation techniques and creating new habits, emotional revision, and lectio divina.

The most significant moment was when I knew from deep deep down how loved I was by God. That’s the moment the old man was buried and I could see my true identity, given to me by the one that loves me unconditionally.

All the shame and fear was washed away. I would still get triggered from time to time but I still trusted what I had envisioned for myself and the feeling of the end. This is the part I want people to understand. Holding the vision from here did not feel hard or like I was lying to myself.

The feeling of doneness is real and effortless to hold once you’ve done the work.

The way this identity change reflected in my life, was that my person who in the past would come in and out of my life and was emotionally unavailable, started giving me the princess treatment and wanted commitment from me. He talked about the future and said he couldn't see himself without me.

My health conditions that would make it hard to be consistent in my work life went away. I asked for a promotion and got it.

I went from being someone that was barely living, to having a life I love with the man I had always wanted. Before, I couldn’t think of the future. It felt scary and all I saw was me alone and probably homeless. I had no financial stability and no support system.

My next manifestation will be a nice group of friends for my boyfriend and I to go out with. I’m excited to see how that one unfolds.

Please do not forget how loved you are and that God wants the best of the best for you. You don’t have to keep living from the old man.