She Thought She Needed a Miracle. She Learned How to Receive.

The Shift Client: 

When I started coaching I was in a really bad place. My mom had recently died, I was barely in contact with my father, and I felt completely alone in the world. It felt like all of my security had been stripped away at once, and I was desperately looking for someone to cling to.

At the same time, my finances were a mess. Money was tight, I was sinking into debt, and I had all of my credit cards maxed out. I was trying to maintain my mom’s house, but my income was not enough to deal with everything that needed to be done. I was starting to think that I might have to sell it, and to me that felt like defeat. I had this horrible feeling that maybe this was just what my life was going to look like. I would never have the nice life I imagined. I would never wake up excited about my life.

And then there was the relationship. I had gotten involved with a man who, was not available in the way I wanted him to be. He had a whole other life, a third party, so there were obvious limitations to what our relationship could be. To give him credit, he was always very clear about what he could and could not offer me. He never promised me some fake future and then pulled the rug out from under me. So I cannot really say that he lied to me. Props to him for that I guess.

The problem was that I was falling in love with him anyway. He was the only thing in my life that felt good at the time. He was my happy place. But that happiness could turn into sadness very quickly. Whenever I started getting excited about the possibility of a future together, reality would come back and remind me that he could not give me that future.

I had never been someone who fell in love easily. It is not even particularly easy for me to become attracted to someone, so this felt like a first for me. I could not imagine myself with anybody else. That made the whole situation even more painful because I felt like I had found the one person I wanted, but I could not actually have the relationship I wanted with him.

Meanwhile, my financial situation was getting worse. I was constantly worrying about money, getting calls from debt collectors, trying to figure out how I was going to pay for things and wondering if I was going to have to sell my house.

I felt like I needed a miracle.

That was actually one of the reasons Paulie’s teachings resonated with me so much. She talked about the unconditional love of God, and I remember thinking, yes. I could really use God on my side right now.

There was no logical way I could see myself getting out of the situation I was in. Not financially and not romantically. I had tried the basic manifestation advice before, including a lot of the acting as if stuff it had just gotten me further into debt. So when I came across Paulie’s work, I was open to the possibility that maybe I had never actually understood what this was about.

I had some furniture I did not particularly like, so I sold some of it and used the money to get coaching. I remember thinking that if I was going to do this, I was going to be completely honest. I did not want to hide my circumstances or pretend I was doing better than I was. I wanted results.

In our first session, I told Paulie everything. I told her about my relationship, my finances, what I had tried before, what had worked, what had not worked, and how hopeless I felt.

She was incredibly reassuring. I remember feeling better almost immediately because she was so confident that there was a way out. I needed someone who could see something that I could not see yet.

The first thing she taught me was how to rest, spiritually speaking. She gave me ways to begin trusting that I would be taken care of and provided for. I had spent so much time believing that everything depended on me figuring things out, so this was a completely different way of relating to my life.

I had always been spiritually curious, but I had never heard things explained this way before. As I started practicing, I began noticing patterns in myself that had been there for years. I could see how much of my identity was based on having to earn things, having to figure everything out by myself and constantly trying to prove that I was worthy of receiving what I wanted.

It was a huge perspective shift.

Before coaching, changing my circumstances felt impossible. I was basically trying to change everybody else's mind. I had to change the debt collector's mind. I had to change my person's mind. I had to somehow make the outside world cooperate with me.

Changing me felt much more plausible and even though I was the person that could quote Neville and say “no one to change but self” I think I didn’t actually know what it meant. It hadn’t fully landed yet.

Especially because I was not doing it completely on my own anymore. I had God.

That was when the anxiety and anguish started to melt away as if by magic.. My circumstances did not immediately change. My phone was still ringing with debt collectors. My person still came in and out of my life. I still did not know where the money was going to come from.

But I stopped taking the bait of 3d. My focus was elsewhere.

That was one of the biggest things I learned. Before, my identity depended completely on my circumstances. If something went wrong, I immediately decided that something was wrong with me. I was also extremely good at getting dysregulated and then making decisions from that place.

Learning to regulate myself instead of immediately jumping to conclusions out of panic was huge. If that had been all I got from coaching, honestly, I would have been delighted. But so much more started happening.

I began feeling peaceful for no obvious reason. I would have this feeling of, okay, everything is going to be fine. Everything is going to be taken care of. I have absolutely no idea how, but it is going to be fine. It wasn’t me trying to convenience myself, those thoughts came all the way from my heart.

Old friends started coming back into my life. They had no idea what was going on financially, but they would bring me food or buy some of the furniture I had for sale. I was getting human connection again, which  felt pretty nice after feeling so isolated.

Then, when I was ready, I started working on emotional revision.

You guys are going to laugh at this, but you know that list of wounds Paulie gives us? I had all of them. Every single one.

And weirdly, realizing that actually made me feel better. Before, I was trying to solve some kind of manifestation mystery. I was constantly wondering, Why isn't this working? What am I doing wrong? Now I could actually see what was underneath everything. I knew where I was hurting, and I knew what I needed to work on.

I worked through the wounds using the Full of Grace method and did a lot of emotional revision on my own. Then I would have a call with Paulie whenever I needed some extra help.

I learned so much about myself, but I also learned so much about God. Paulie is basically a freaking theologian, by the way.

God had always felt like somewhat of a mystery to me. Through this process, I started developing an actual relationship with Him. I was no longer just trying to use God to get something. I was learning what it meant to actually experience His love.

A huge thing underneath my patterns was shame. I started to understand that love and money both required me to be seen, and being seen felt incredibly vulnerable. I had spent so much of my life believing that I had to earn love, earn security and earn my place in the world.

No wonder I could never really reach the end. I could imagine financial stability, but underneath it I still felt like someone who was barely surviving. I could imagine being loved, but underneath it I still felt like someone who had to be desirable enough to make someone stay. I could imagine liking my life, but underneath it I still felt like someone who was just trying to stay afloat.

Once I understood that, everything started making much more sense. And then things started changing quickly.

One of the biggest changes happened with my career. I had been applying for jobs for years, but I could never seem to get past the first interview. I needed a job that paid enough to actually give me some stability and was connected to my degree, but I had started to believe that maybe that was just not available to me.

One of the people who had recently come back into my life became a friend, and I told her how badly I needed financial stability. She said, "You know, my company needs someone with your qualifications. Why don't you apply?"

I was terrified of being disappointed again, but I thought, okay. Let's try. It can't really hurt. This time, I surrendered the outcome.

Paulie also gave me some advice before the interview that completely changed how I approached it. Instead of obsessing over whether I was impressive enough or whether I was the perfect candidate, she told me to think about what it would be like for them to actually work with me. If they had to spend a whole work week with me, would I be someone they would enjoy having around?

That completely changed my approach.

I stopped trying to prove myself and just tried to be human. I got the job! This broke a financial fry spell I had been experiencing for years.

That was enormous for me because it meant I could finally start creating some financial order in my life. I could start taking care of things I had been putting off. I could think about my future again.

And the job itself was actually wonderful. The people were amazing. I made friends with my coworkers. They invited me to hang out after work. I started enjoying going to work. I had a life again.

Before that, it felt like every moment of my life was being consumed by anxiety about money or anxiety about my relationship. Suddenly I could just enjoy things. Even my relationship with my person started changing.

Before, he had been my escape from reality. I did not tell him about my problems because I did not want to burden him. I wanted him to be my happy place, so I felt like I had to present a certain version of myself around him.

When I got the new job, I told him about it. He was genuinely interested. He asked questions. He cared about what was happening in my life. It was the first time I felt like he was actually my partner.

And that was a big deal because I realized that I had been keeping him separate from my real life because I was afraid that if he saw the real me, he would not want me. That was changing. My understanding of love was changing too.

Before, love meant being desirable enough that someone would stay. Now love meant being fully seen and still being wanted.  This was when I finally felt ready to really work on my relationship with my specific person.

I could go to God and imagine from that place of unconditional love. The idea of someone changing their mind used to terrify me because I always assumed they would change their mind in the worst possible direction, deciding I wasn’t worth the trouble, you know? He is going to change his mind and decide he does not want me.

Now I could imagine him changing his mind in the best possible way. He could change his mind because he realized he wanted love. He could change his mind because he realized he wanted me. He could change his mind because he was ready for something real.

I started being able to enter the end naturally. At night, I could imagine sleeping next to my person, and it was not something I had to force myself to do. I actually slept better that way.

I was not trying to make something happen. I was letting myself experience what it felt like to already be loved. I also became much more expressive. I was no longer constantly terrified that showing my love would somehow make me lose him. I started feeling like my love was good. My love was wanted. My love was something desirable in his life, not a burden.

And this is where all the techniques that had once felt so difficult became easy. I was still imagining. I was still doing the exercises. But I was doing them from a completely different identity. I was not trying to convince the universe to give me something. I was relating to God.

There was another part of this journey that was much more personal for me, and that was shame around intimacy. I had become very comfortable with being desired physically, but not necessarily with being genuinely known. In some ways, being used was actually easier for me because I did not have to risk real emotional intimacy or being rejected.

I had desires that I considered kinky or dirty, and I had used that part of my sexuality as a way to avoid having to deal with the deeper question of whether someone could actually love me.

If things stayed primarily sexual, I did not have to find out whether I was worthy of being someone's partner. That shame showed up in my romantic life too, not just sex.

This was something we worked on during one of my last sessions with Paulie, and I remember thinking about how different her approach was. She did not try to tell me what I wanted to hear.

She just told me what these teachings actually say, which made this feel solid instead of just a pep talk. She had theological backing. I went from seeing myself as dirty or somehow less worthy of love to understanding intimacy as something that could be completely loving and self giving. I began to understand that God had given Himself to me so that I could give myself to love without shame.

That completely changed how I experienced myself. The thing I had once thought was evidence that I was not the "wifey type" became something I could experience without feeling like I was damaged.

And my person noticed the difference. He told me there was something magical about being with me. He said he had never experienced something like it before, someone who could give themselves so completely.

And I could tell that it moved him. Of course, this is where my old brain had to make an appearance. I immediately thought, "Oh shit. Why buy the cow?".

But this time, I did not follow that thought. I chose love anyway. I chose to surrender to the love I was experiencing instead of trying to protect myself from what might happen next.

That was such a huge change for me. Sex and intimacy stopped feeling like two separate things. I was no longer using one to avoid the other because I was no longer afraid of being truly known.

I was able to love someone without constantly calculating what it might cost me. And eventually, he said something to me that I will never forget. He asked me, "What if you didn't have to be alone anymore?".

I actually laughed. Because if you look at where this whole journey started, that was the exact wound underneath everything. I was terrified of being alone. I had started this process feeling like I was completely alone in the world. Then I learned that I was never actually alone because I had God. And once I stopped being the woman who was alone, my person reflected it back to me.

He did not want me to be alone anymore either. I had been imagining at night that we were sleeping together as a real couple and hearing him tell me that he loved me.

And another huge shift happened around the way I saw myself in relation to his circumstances. Before, I thought I was the bad apple. I thought that if he was a good man, he would have to reject me and go back to the life he was already living.

Once my identity changed, I stopped seeing myself that way. I stopped thinking of myself as the problem. I saw a man who was capable of love but had his own fears to overcome. And I saw us as two people who were allowed to be together.

When he started saying those things to me, I did not hide how happy I was. I told him that it would be a dream come true. And then he did what he needed to do. I stood by his side.

We had difficult conversations. We had honest conversations. I learned what it actually felt like to love somebody and be loved back. And that is really what changed my life, the change in me.  I changed so deeply that love became a completely different thing to me. Stability became a completely different thing. Even my understanding of God became a completely different thing.

Neville was right when he said that the manifestation looks like it would have happened anyway. Looking back, I can see how natural everything became. But what I received internally first was a miracle. The circumstances followed.

I know what it is like to be at rock bottom and think you are too damaged, too far gone, too changed by your past, or that you have made too many bad decisions to ever have the life you want. I know what it is like to look at your circumstances and think, "There is literally no way out of this." I also know what it is like to realize that your circumstances are not your identity.

The biggest thing Paulie taught me was how to stop letting my circumstances tell me who I am.

She taught me how to have a relationship with God that was not based on begging, earning or trying to convince Him to give me something. And once that changed, everything else became possible. I do not think I would have believed any of this before I started but now I can honestly say that miracles are real. God's love is bigger than your circumstances.

And if you are reading this from the place I was in when I started, please believe me when I tell you that your story can change too.