She Stopped Asking the Outside World

Break The Loop Client: 

Every time I think I've finally figured out what the most important part of this whole experience was, I remember something else and think, “Oh my God, THAT too.”

I guess I'll start by saying that I was one of your “interesting” clients. You used to call me your “picturesque client,” which always made me laugh because you weren't wrong.

I had gotten myself into a LOT of spiritual stuff before I found you. Tarot, astrology, psychics, manifestation techniques, random spiritual philosophies that I probably couldn't even explain properly now. If there was something promising me some kind of insight into my life, there was a pretty good chance I had tried it.

Because sure, I could manifest little things here and there. I mean, everybody can. You can get a coincidence, something randomly works out, you get the text you wanted, whatever. But eventually you start thinking, okay, but what I actually want is LOVE.

Not just a hookup or someone being obsessed with me for three weeks. I wanted the real thing. I wanted the love that lasts, the beautiful kind, the kind where you actually choose each other and you don't have to constantly wonder where you stand.

And that was the one thing I couldn't seem to get. In fact, I finally did get the man I wanted, and he dumped me three weeks later. This was a guy I had liked for a long time. I was very attracted to him, and eventually he got involved with me. But I wanted more than what he was offering.

I was so afraid of losing him that I accepted something that wasn't actually what I wanted. Basically, I told myself I could handle it. I'll just go with the flow. I won't ask for too much. I won't make things complicated.

And then, of course, I started getting hurt. Because he wasn't treating me like a girlfriend.

He wasn't treating me like a girlfriend because he had never said he was going to be my boyfriend.

Looking back, it's so obvious. But at the time? I was a complete mess. I was trying to be fun and easygoing while internally I was basically a tiny ball of anxiety. I was trying to not react, but it was impossible not to feel hurt.

And eventually, I think he could feel it. I was so anxious about losing him that I probably made being around me exhausting. So he pulled away, told me he didn’t want to see me anymore. And that hurt a lot.

After all that effort, I remember thinking, is it that it’s not working? Or can I never ever have one doubt or bad thought again? What did I do to manifest the breakup?

And instead of taking that as a sign that maybe I needed to look at what was happening inside of me, I did what any completely rational person would do: I became even more obsessed with finding answers.

I started doing more tarot. Then psychics. Then astrology and birth charts. Then another tarot reading because obviously the first tarot reading needed clarification. Then I found this woman who supposedly did all kinds of channeling. They all told me different things.

I think that was one of the moments when I finally realized that I couldn't keep doing this. I was looking for certainty everywhere except inside myself. That's when I found your account.

I started watching your stories, and I remember thinking, this is different. You weren't just teaching another technique. You weren't telling people to think positively enough, visualize harder, or pretend I already had the thing and hope the universe got the memo. There was something much deeper going on.

I remember looking at your own story and thinking, “Worst case scenario, this woman is going to make me change so much that I'll at least become a completely different person.” So I signed up.

And I decided that I was going to be a very good student. Like, annoyingly good.

I told you from the beginning, “If you have to hurt my feelings, hurt my feelings. If there is something I don't want to hear, tell me anyway.” Because I had watched your lives before, and I had seen people come back months or years later saying, “Pauli, you told me this back then and I didn't understand it. Now I finally do.”

And I thought, “Nope. I'm not waiting two years to understand something you can explain to me today.”

I wanted to understand it NOW. You told me that required answer mode, so I got to work on that.

So I did the work. I did the emotional revision. I did the visualizations. I worked on the wounds underneath the patterns. I worked on regulating my nervous system instead of immediately reacting to whatever was happening around me.

And I started understanding something that completely changed the way I saw manifestation. The problem wasn't that I needed to find the perfect technique to get the man. The problem was that I was trying to create a new life while constantly operating from the same old version of myself.

I was still the woman who was afraid of losing him. The woman who was afraid of asking for what she wanted. The woman who thought she had to be easygoing enough, attractive enough, patient enough and understanding enough so that a man wouldn't leave.

I could visualize all day long, but underneath it all I was still that woman. And eventually I understood what you meant when you talked about the “old man.” I had to stop being her. That was much scarier than I expected.

Because it's one thing to say, “I'm becoming a new version of myself.” It's another thing to realize that some of the things you've been using to protect yourself actually have to go. Some beliefs, some patterns, some fears, some ways of relating to people, even some things you thought were just “your personality.”

And it wasn't about forcing myself to become some perfect, positive person. It was about becoming someone who could actually live from love instead of constantly reacting from fear. It took me about three months to really understand what you meant by unconditional love. And I want to be very clear about something, because when I say “I reached a state of unconditional love,” I don't mean I was walking around feeling happy and blissful twenty-four hours a day. That's not what happened.

I learned how to enter a presence. That's the difference. You taught me about the mansion with many rooms and how to use my attention to enter a different state. Once I learned how to regulate myself and actually direct my attention instead of letting my circumstances dictate my internal state, something started changing. I could feel the difference.

And then something really interesting happened. My life started changing too. I became braver. I started doing things I never would have done before. I stopped being so afraid of what people thought. I started speaking differently. I started making decisions differently. And I noticed that I was doing all of this without sitting there thinking, today I am going to act like the new me. It just started happening.

You know how people always talk about these unexpected changes? That was one of the things I finally experienced for myself. You change without realizing you're changing. And slowly, something changed. I wasn't trying to convince myself that I didn't care about him. I still cared. I just wasn't willing to leave the unconditionally loving presence anymore.

He came back, as they do. And this time he was different. He was completely into me, and I remember thinking, “Wait. What happened to you?” But I also wasn't going to pretend the old conversation hadn't happened. So I told him exactly what I thought. I basically said, “Okay, so what is this? Because if you're coming back just to tell me again that you don't want a relationship, I'm not interested in doing this all over again.”

And this man started laughing. He literally laughed in my face. I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me. I was standing there thinking, “Oh my God. I have just humiliated myself.”

And then he asked me if I would be his girlfriend. And he said that I was right. That words don't mean anything without action, so he wanted to put his words into action.

I also told him, “You better mean it.” And he did.

Now, when life goes sideways, I don't immediately panic. If something happens, if there's a money problem, if something breaks, if we're waiting on a payment, if something isn't working, I don't automatically go into that old state.

I literally tell him, “Give me a minute,” and I go pray. I regulate myself. I come back into that presence. I talk to God. And then I deal with the problem from there.

And that's another thing I learned: God always, ALWAYS hears me. Now, hearing me and hurrying up are two completely different things. Sometimes I'm like, “Okay, God, I did my part. Your turn.” And he's basically like, “Actually, there's still something I need to let me handle.”

Sometimes there is something in me that needs to change. Sometimes there is something I need to surrender. And I've learned not to interpret a delay as abandonment.

That was huge for me. Because I used to think that if something wasn't happening immediately, something was wrong. Now I know that I'm not alone. You taught me how to come back to myself and how to stop letting my circumstances tell me who I am.

And once you really get the hang of that, something happens. You realize you don't have to walk around terrified of your life anymore. You can regulate, refocus, imagine, listen, change, and trust that you are being heard.