Manifestation Mocked Me, Until I Stopped Playing Small

Break The Loop Client:

Part 1) This is a long one, so grab a snack. I originally found manifestation after desperately googling and watching videos of how to get your ex back. This was by now 6 years ago, and I was in the most miserable episode of my life. 

Everything was falling apart, the man I was with and running a business with and also lived together, kicked me out of our apartment and our business to be with someone else.

My whole future crumbled in front of me, and I had no idea what was going on in my life and where I was going and I literally felt like this isn't even my life. And in that pain I tried to manifest that ex back, watching video after video, going from one manifestation group to another, without really addressing my anxiety and without clearly seeing that most of the techniques were just snake oil. I had a hunch that maybe something wasn't quite right in me to manifest that SP back, but I couldn't really look at it. 

I got on the track of ignoring the 3D which caused nonsense and trouble. During that time someone introduced me to Paulie, I really found her soothing and a breeze of hope considering her story, but I didn't really get it, when I look at it now. 

Now that I remember that time I was in a state of constant anxiety that I managed. I got by, I was able to manifest non-SP related things, I practiced, I took notes, I studied. I mean I took it seriously, I wanted to understand this and I did my homework accordingly, reading Neville, watching educated coaches, I was scripting, imagining, spoke to a whole list of coaches. And to a degree it worked, I manifested stuff. I manifested a job I had no qualification for. But I didn't understand why some things manifested and others didn't and why it all seemed like unstable trial and error, while my life slowly stabilizing. But that SP didn't come back. In the meantime he got (trigger warning) married. 

Paulina introduced me to the idea of working with a placeholder since the SP after all the betrayal was way too triggering. And the idea was maybe the energy of a celebrity, but I couldn't quite get into that, so I looked through old photographs and I found a 2010 pic of a special someone and me (not the SP) who held me in the picture like he meant it, protective, masculine. 

That guy on the picture (he was then 29 me 30), was my actual kindergarten sweetheart, we weren't a couple, but always felt high voltage attraction. And someone had taken that pic of us. And for the first time in ages looking at this I knew viscerally again how it felt to be okay, to be wanted, to be in strong protective arms. Now it was January 2023 and I hadn't seen that man in 13 years after that pic was taken. All I did was keep that image on my phone to remember how it feels to be okay, and it was a reminder of the quality of relationship I wanted. I thought of him as my placeholder, I just looked at the image and conjured the feeling whenever I felt down.

 I googled him, knowing we were in the same big city, thought of emailing him, but thought that would be stalker-like and I wouldn't know what to say. So I kept it just as my go-to fantasy. And 11 months later the first miracle happened. It was already Nov 2023, 3 years since the SP betrayal, and I still somehow thought of copy/pasting the placeholder energy onto that old SP. I remember having one last meltdown about that old SP and not being able to manifest him, but if I had been honest with myself, I felt like I had to make myself smaller than I am for that SP. And there was no way to manifest a relationship from that paradox. And I stopped pretending that was an option for me. I had manifested my new apartment in the meantime, during an impossible market, and I remember going to bed content finally. I just kind of surrendered. I just said to myself "I'll never chase or pine after a man again", not even in a thought in my head. Whoever wants me can find me. They can google me for God's sake. I am not lifting a finger. I was just done, I just stopped being that woman. 

Three days later my mum reached out telling me she had bumped into my kindergarten friend in our hometown three times and he sends me greetings. I wasn't even in shock, it was the guy from the photo, no sign of life in all those years. Sends greetings. Same minute I receive an email by him. Telling me that he bumped into my mum, that he actually googled me (wtf), and it would be nice to hear from me. In that moment I had this light bulb moment that actually anything is possible, that I can actually have that man, and don't have to stick with that other one. I immediately lost interest in that old SP, it just vanished, but then there was a little twist I hadn't calculated for…which led me through the journey of doing the real work.

Part 2)
After two months of texting with now the man of my dreams we finally managed to meet up for the first time after now 14 years of not seeing each other. In my head I was already at our wedding. We met for a walk and within the first 15 min he told me he is married with 3 kids. 

He said the marriage is basically still running for the kids. I don't even have the words for what kind of a downer this news was. He did kiss me in the next second, which was super confusing. I started to feel irritated. On the one hand I was in heaven, because his kiss felt like finally arriving home after a long odyssey, but the circumstances gave me a huge headache. Nothing had prepared me for that, I was in no state of demanding him out of that marriage and I felt mocked. Mocked by my own manifestation. What was I thinking, I thought it was easy, like the apartment, and now I had a man with a whole army of 3Ps. Wife, kids, high stakes job, constant business travel. Whole point is, I wasn't ready. I wasn't even ready for the relationship that I wanted. 

I wanted a very specific deep, devotional relationship, and I hadn't done the internal shift to receive it. And I knew nothing about relational faith at that time. I didn't know how to surrender other than that one time, I didn't know how to receive, I didn't really know how to hold my own manifestation of him appearing in my life, literally confessing that same day that he always thought of me. In all those years. And I started feeling awfully responsible for tearing a whole family apart, I had a huge problem with that.

Part 3) So things actually took time, because I needed time. I had a lot of things and limitations coming up from my past relationship, a lot of anxiety I hadn't looked at, there was a whole list of things I felt like I needed to look at also with my own family pattern. 

Now, manifestation and shifts I know do not need to take that long, but I needed that time. So things didn't really take off and after first not seeing each other at all for another 8 months it slipped into an affair-like situation, even though I had stated to him from day one I am not doing this. I had a lot of insecurity around him actually getting a proper separation, the whole other woman narrative was wearing down on me. I managed to go through almost another 1.5 years like this, uncertainty, short visits by him.

I could enjoy the intense encounters with him, I knew he was intimately exclusive with me, but often there were long breaks of silence. By December last year I had to admit to myself that I cannot go a single day longer like this, I had a full blown anxiety attack over Christmas. I finally luckily booked an emergency call with Paulie. At this point I wasn't new to manifestation, but had to admit this wasn't going anywhere. And I couldn't pretend longer this was working. 

Briefly after the emergency call things fully escalated with my person, he said he cannot give me what I want and I left an epic rant about everything I had bottled up within myself on his WhatsApp. I was furious and stopped pretending anything was okay. Then silence. And me not knowing if he would ever reach out again after that blow up. And I continued work with Paulie, I booked Break the Loop and did what was necessary.

I started to understand what was meant by relational faith and I started speaking to Jesus and God and developed a more and more stable connection with an unconditionally loving presence. I started entertaining more and more what it feels like being taken care of, being pampered. 

I went into very deep Emotional Revision and had to look at a childhood pattern that would leave me feeling separated from love, just never enough left for me. Imagination became natural and easy from there. Also in our first calls that time I realised I still carried guilt about his children and the separation. I had rationalised it away, but the guilt was still in my nervous system and in my cells. I practiced accepting that I am not guilty, I asked God for guidance, because often I didn't know what the heck I was doing. 

Whenever in doubt I asked for things to be taken care of lovingly. I developed a whole new set of inner conversations with the divine, I used Paulie's exercises, and the Emotional Revision worked with surgical precision. Putting the old man to rest was like taking out a rotten tooth. No wonder I couldn't fully feel and receive the love. And by beginning of March I received the message by him: Had crazy weeks, moved out from the family home, quit job, took therapy deep dive, would like to see you.
 

That was his actual message after my big nasty blow up. It was there, my miracle manifestation, he did what had started to seem like an impossible obstacle. I almost fell off the couch when I received the message. Now after another little hiccup in our communication and me still unable to fully relax into the state at that time, we had another small delay. But since continuing Breaking the Loop and getting my last package session soon, things are finally unfolding beautifully while I start to enjoy my end fully and my nervous system is catching up. 

The major shift was in me really owning the state of that woman whose man moves mountains for her just to be with her. And really taking care of the relationship towards an ever unconditionally loving presence that wouldn't withhold anything from me. I am still in the learning of the endless possibilities, but what I can say, it's been a wild ride for me, but the deep work was necessary and worth it for the kind of devotional deep connection I always dreamt of.