From Crumbs to a Full Plate

What made the biggest difference was not trying to fix it on my own anymore. I had spent so long understanding my patterns but still repeating them. Being guided through the emotional work while I was still in the situation is what allowed me to actually change. If I had been alone, I would have gone back to the same reactions every time I got triggered.

I was in a situationship with someone who was unavailable. There was a third party, and a lot of “logical” reasons why it wasn’t going to work. I had tried to think my way out of this for months, but nothing changed until I was actually guided through it.

After doing this work I see that I was in limerence, trying to cope with the fear that I would always be trapped in my life unless someone chose me and saved me from my circumstances. I don’t think I wouldn’t have broken that pattern on my own. I needed someone to show me what I couldn’t see.

I was using the relationship to feel okay about my life. Deep down, I believed I was damaged and that I couldn’t have a stable, healthy love. The part of me that felt comfortable being in a third party situation was the part that believed I wasn’t enough for a man.

That was the state I was living in. It felt like he was the only man that liked me a little, so I had to hold onto it because this was as good as it was gonna get. I had all the awareness, but I didn’t know how to actually shift it in my body.

Through the work, especially the emotional work, I started to separate from that version of me. The one who accepted crumbs and needed another person to just be ok.

At first it was uncomfortable. I kept wanting to fix things or make something happen.Being aware of how fear distorted my inner world made me aware I had a choice again.

I stayed in the situationship while doing this work, and it actually helped. I could see my triggers in real time instead of avoiding them. Understanding my patterns wasn’t enough. I needed to be shown how to move out of them.

One of my biggest fears was that if I became secure, I wouldn’t even want him anymore. I thought my fear of abandonment was the only thing holding us together. There were moments I wanted to go back to chasing him because it felt familiar. That’s how I knew I was actually changing. It wasn’t comfortable at first, which is why I had avoided it for so long.

But at the same time, I couldn’t ignore that imagining a future like that didn’t feel good. When I tried to go to the end I felt like recoiling. I felt completely exposed and ashamed of even thinking I belonged there. So I had a moment where it became clear. I could either stay here hoping he would change or choose myself and change now.

As I did more inner work the relationship stopped being my whole world. The emotional work we did changed everything. It wasn’t about forcing thoughts, it was about actually becoming someone new. Being guided into the state instead of trying to force it on my own made all the difference.

I started connecting more with unconditional love, and my life just felt bigger. There were more things that made me happy and I started to develop into a real personality. Before everything I did was to avoid being abandoned. The relationship became one part of my life, not everything.

Seeing who I had been clearly,felt awful. But I stopped believing it thanks to emotional revision. My inner world became really alive and I felt incredibly connected to God. If I had been on my own, I would have gone back to old patterns the second I got triggered. Having support while I was still in the situation is what allowed me to actually change instead of just reacting.

At some point I asked, show me what it feels like to be loved and to love back, in a way that’s right. The following days I got all of these images and sensations in my mind. It felt like I belonged there. I wasn’t clear about who the man was, but It didn’t matter. I could step into the end, finally!

I kept going back effortlessly. When you fall in love with the end you don’t have to force yourself.

Then the big moment came. He wanted to talk. I was sure he would dump me. I was ok if that happened because I knew that if this whole thing crumbled something that was real love would take its place.

He didn’t dump me. He dumped the third party and wanted to know if I’d be willing to step into the "official role”. It was awkward. I actually asked myself: do I even want this? Does this match the life I want for myself?

That was new. I wasn’t waiting to be chosen anymore, I was choosing.

When he asked if we were going to be together, I told him I needed time to think.

I realized I didn’t trust him. He would trigger this old identity in me of disappointment. I applied emotional revision there and gave him a chance without dragging my old self with me. This didn’t just change my relationship, it changed what I believe is available to me in every area of my life.

This man changed before my eyes. He said things he would never say before and showed with his actions that I could trust him with my heart.

I trusted God, and because of that I could learn to trust another person. I had become someone that could never ever be manipulated by fear anymore. That’s what made me feel secure while giving him a chance.

Now it feels like we’re a team. Just two people choosing each other every day.