I Refused to Compete and Everything Shifted

My spiral started when my specific person sent me a selfie. I had been trying to manifest him, and about eight months in, I got contact.

I thought I did it. I assumed that if he was talking to me, there was no third party, even though I knew he was with someone.

But he sent me a selfie to show me how attractive he is, because he's a bit of a narcissist. Something in the background caught my eye. There was a picture of the third party. Why was it there?

I started to spiral, and I didn’t know what to do. It was such a roller coaster of emotions. On one hand, I got contact. But why was there a picture?

Even though he was saying that he wanted to see me, I wasn’t excited about it. What if he just wanted to use me? I definitely didn’t want to be intimate with him until I knew the third party was gone. I felt like I didn’t have the right to ask if he was single or not because my low self esteem thought, what if he goes away? What if he thinks I’m rushing things?

I first spoke to Paulie on an emergency coaching call. She helped me calm down, and we proceeded in a very grounded way. If there was a third party, did I intend to keep talking to him, or would I rather cut contact? What felt more comfortable was keeping contact, but I refused to let him touch me before I knew whether he was single or not.

She gave me the questions, and she took me into the state. I could feel the difference in my body when I was the woman in love and loved back.

But then, each time this man would text me and ask to see me, I would get triggered because I felt the pressure building. If I kept saying no, he was just going to go away again, and I didn’t want that. So I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place. I had to do something. We met up, and I dissociated hard to try to hide my anxiety.

As soon as I got home, I got the Remove a 3P for Good package. I wanted to make sure he was single.

The first session was about finding the obstacles I was creating within myself. The obstacle was me being in a dynamic in which I had to stay quiet to be wanted, and my fear of abandonment. This prevented me from dwelling in the end. Regardless of whether there was a third party or not, I definitely wasn’t being in my ideal state.

So we got to work on feeling safe in my body, being able to address my anxiety, and starting to tell the old man the truth. I focused on basking in unconditional love, and she gave me direction on how to get clearer on what being unconditionally loved felt like.

We talked about some scenes that implied what I wanted. At that point, what I wanted was simply to be with him knowing there was no one else, knowing he was serious about this, and that he wasn’t just out to use me or take advantage of me.

The scene really focused on body awareness, feeling secure, feeling safe, and feeling like he was all mine.

You might see this as movement, but in that moment, it was a trigger for me. He showed up at my work unannounced, and I thought, what an asshole. I felt invaded. I also didn’t feel like I looked cute at work, so that was annoying. But he was there, and he wanted to take me out to lunch during my break. One of the scenes we had done was of him and me having a conversation where he told me he had definitely ended things with his ex.

So that’s what was happening in my mind as we were having lunch. I kept looking at the clock, thinking, is he going to say it? I was getting increasingly anxious as the minutes ticked by.

He didn’t say it, and then I had to go back to work. I centered myself.

I did a surrender novena Paulie suggested. It really helped me accept that my scene would play out when it played out. I reminded myself that I am safe, that this is okay, and that it will happen when it happens. I don’t have to sit around waiting for it.

The night I surrendered, he called me because he was bored, his words. Again, my mind wanted to say, he only calls me when he’s bored. He’s using you.

During that call, he told me he broke up with his ex about three months ago and that his place was a bit of a mess. He had a lot to reorganize and redecorate.

He asked if I wanted to go with him to pick up some new items. He was thinking maybe some manly statues or something for his now bachelor pad.

I still have more sessions and more things to learn. I’ve tried to manifest specific people before, and they can definitely show up a little for me and give me attention, but then there’s always something. I’m excited to change more and become the woman who can be fully loved and treated well, always.