I Felt Like a Desperate Child, Begging for Crumbs

I was so stuck with my SP. I loved him, but everything he did,  I took it as a personal attack. I never admitted this, but sometimes I felt like a desperate child, begging for crumbs. And because of that, I couldn’t even see him clearly. I only saw what he didn’t do.

When I read the state assessment  it was honestly painful because it showed me exactly why nothing ever stuck for me. I was looping in fear, shame, and self-abandonment. I wanted validation. Love was nothing but a concept, so I settled for validation.

The emotional revision part  was hard at first. I resisted it, avoided it, made excuses. But the way you explained it made something click. For the first time, I wasn’t trying to “change my thoughts.” I was changing the place I was thinking from. And it was like you said: once I stopped feeding the old man, he started losing power immediately.

The biggest breakthrough was when I finally understood what you meant by relational faith. When I experienced God it was life changing. I wasn’t alone in my mind anymore and I didn’t have to fight the fear or thoughts myself. They were just lifted from me and replaced by peace.

When I buried the old man I saw my SP for real. But I stopped seeing his distance as rejection. I started seeing a man who was hurting. A man who wanted love but didn’t know how to stand in it. And because I wasn’t starving for love anymore, I didn’t collapse when he pulled away. I was indifferent to circumstances!

He didn’t magically come back overnight. In fact, he had one really bad episode right after my breakthrough (he struggled with alcohol abuse). Old me would’ve spiraled for days. New me read his message and felt nothing but compassion. I felt like before I was really selfish, everything was about me. Now everything was about love.

After that, he came back differently. Like he didn’t know how to tell me he wanted another chance. He started opening up slowly, little moments here and there. Apologizing without me asking. Showing up sober most of the time. Asking how I felt. Actually listening.

We’re together now. We’re both growing. There’s consistency. I’m able to be there for him and he’s there for me.  There’s no more chaos or back and forth. He tells me he feels safe with me, I feel safe with me now, too.